Loss of a Friend

Speaking Grief

April 27, 2015 by Lara 1 Comment

Speaking Grief: How to respond when someone in your life loses someone they love

by Shana Rubenstein

I have had the privilege of being a social work intern at the Christi Center since September. In this role, I have had learned from individuals of all ages grieving the death of loved ones. After a few months of assisting with adult and teen meetings, I began to notice a common theme among the groups, from individuals who were grieving the loss of a sibling or friend, to those who had lost their parent or child. Between all of the groups, it seemed that many people shared the experience of hearing unintentionally hurtful or thoughtless comments from others in their community – friends, coworkers, and family who responded, often in the best manner they knew how, in ways that minimized, disrespected, or even worsened their pain.

Another shared experience was secondary loss, those who reported good friends or family who seemed to disappear in the midst of their grief – perhaps from fear of saying the wrong thing or difficulty in understanding the longevity of grief. Many people may avoid those in grief because they do not want to be reminded of the presence of death in all of our lives. What these experiences have in common is that people who are already in emotional pain are further hurt because our culture does not teach us how to respond to others in times of grief.

Thinking all of this over, I decided to collect the thoughts of people experiencing grief about what they wish others knew, what they would like others to say, and what they would be grateful to never hear again. This information will be available in an image and video form, to be easily shared with friends and family, but I can also share with you some of the responses I received.

In terms of what people in grief want those in their community to know, the number one response was that it is OK, and hoped for, that people will bring up the person who died. While many people may fear this will make the person in grief feel sadder or cry, people of all ages reported that they are already sad, and talking about their loved one let’s them know that they are not forgotten. It’s OK if they cry, their grief is making them sad, and you are giving them a space to remember. People who are in grief also want you to know that grief does not end, and that it is not something that can be gotten over. It changes with time, and can be lived with, but as one mother shared, “Grief doesn’t stop, it changes but never ends.” Losing someone central to your life changes you in different ways, and people in grief wish that others would spend time getting to know the “new me” instead of waiting for the old me to return.

There are a number of comments that people hear repeatedly that feel hurtful and insensitive: “You need to move on.” “I understand exactly how you feel.” “They are in a better place.” While these may sound to the person speaking like comforting words, in fact they make the person who is grieving feel as if others do not understand their very real pain. Two responses had mixed results – some people preferred the phrase “I’m sorry for your loss,” while others felt that it put them in an awkward position of saying “Thank you” or “It’s OK.” Teens in particular often do not want to hear that others are sorry. Additionally, the question “How are you?” is a hard one after the death of a loved one. As one mom who lost her daughter shared; “‘How are you?’ is hard because usually they don’t want the real answer… terrible or crappy. I prefer to be asked, ‘How are you feeling today?’ It’s better when they’re open to hearing the real answer. If not, just don’t ask.”

Unfortunately, something I think very few of us realize is that there is nothing that can be said that solves grief. The best we can hope for it to respond in a way that shows our respect, love, and ongoing support. When asked what they wish people would say or do, responses included

“I am here to support you.” – Anon.

“Tell me about your daughter.” – Susan and Ron B.

“I miss your son too.” – Melanie H.

“Can we get together to take a walk or share a meal? I needed to talk to people who could just listen. They didn’t need to have any answers or profound insights.” – Mary G.

“‘I don’t know what to say.’ Then I could tell them that it’s OK. Just being silent and sitting with me is very helpful. Just saying ‘I’m here for you’ and ‘I love you’ is all I really need to hear.” – Frankie H.

When we are in the position of responding to someone in grief, the focus often zeroes in on ourselves – how to say or do the right thing. Instead, we can consider how to demonstrate our support, whether that’s sitting together, bringing food or taking care of errands, remembering loved one on birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries, and knowing that grief doesn’t end and that people often like to share about those they love, whether it’s one month or ten years later.

At the Christi Center, we have a metaphor: People in grief frequently feel like zebras in a pack of horses – they are different, changed from those around them, but the horses either don’t see their stripes or don’t know how to interact. Zebras need to spend time together, to be in a space of mutual understanding and unconditional support, and that is why places like the Christi Center exist. However, the sense of isolation and compounded pain can be lessened if all the horses can see, and respond with care, to those among us who are walking through the forest of grief.

Other resources that may be helpful to you, your family, or your neighborhood schools:

Speaking from personal experience, the authors share ways to support others and get support for yourself when someone close to you is dealing with trauma (in this case, a cancer diagnosis), by giving comfort – and not advice – to those directly affected, and seeking your own support for complaints or difficulties elsewhere: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

The Coalition to Support Grieving Students (http://grievingstudents.scholastic.com/peer-support/) offers great suggestions of how to respond to youth who are grieving, including some specific advice about what not to say and why: http://grievingstudents.scholastic.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/NYL-1B-What-to-Say.pdf

Judi’s House, a grief support center in Colorado, offers suggestions for supporting children and teens who have lost a loved one to suicide: http://www.judishouse.org/index.php?s=11560&item=5388

The Dougy Center, a national center for grieving children and families, has a wealth of resources, and specifically shares here how to support grieving teens: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/how-to-help-a-grieving-teen/

New York Life offers some personal stories and practical suggestions for helping youth and families after the death of a loved one: http://www.newyorklife.com/newyorklife.com/General/FileLink/Static%20Files/NYLF%20KIDS%20Brochure%20FINAL%

What’s Your Grief offers grief support and information in a modern, relatable way: http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/

Many thanks to all who contributed their thoughts and ideas to this project!

Rachel R, Olivia A, Susan and Ron B, Steve N, Arron C, Ed T, Melanie H, Doon R, Mary G, Frankie H, many other individuals who contributed anonymously, Kids Who Kare participants, Small Middle School participants, and the interns and staff at the Christi Center who helped to collect surveys!

Filed Under: Blog, grieving, loss, loss of a child, Loss of a Friend, loss of a loved one to suicide, loss of a parent, loss of a sibling, Loss of a Spouse or Partner, mourn, mourning, New Blog, sadness Tagged With: #speakinggrief, what to say

Kids and Grief

November 20, 2014 by Lara 2 Comments

by Shana Rubenstein

Ways to think about kids and grief

• While it is rarely something our society likes to admit, children do experience grief and need their families, friends, and communities to recognize and understand what they are going through.

• Children under five years old may not understand the finality of death. They will likely need ongoing explanations to help them understand that their loved one is not coming back. Clear, honest, and patient explanations, as difficult as it may be, are important for this age group.

• Children of many ages may mistakenly believe that they somehow caused the death of their loved one, by their behavior or through magical thinking. They need reassurances that this is not the case.

• Many children don’t appear to be grieving because their grief looks different from adults’. Some common grief reactions in children include

Acting as if nothing has happened

Becoming clingy

Regressing to earlier behaviors (i.e. bedwetting, thumb-sucking)

Hyperactivity, aggression, disruptive behavior

Withdrawn or sad behavior

Difficulty sleeping

Fear of other important people in their life dying or questions or fears about their own death

Self-consciousness and not wanting to appear different from other kids

• It is normal for children to use play to understand and cope with death.

• Children often grieve in small bits, sometimes thought of as “grief-spurts.” A child may be crying one moment and laughing the next, and needs to process grief at their own pace.

• Grief may come back up for children throughout their lives as they experience new events and stages without their loved one.

Ideas of what to say (and not say)

• Help children feel like they can ask questions and when they do, respond as honestly and clearly as possible.

• Use concrete terms such as “died” since words like “We lost my husband” or “Her father passed away” can be confusing to young children.

• Let children know that all kinds of emotions, while difficult and sometimes scary, are normal for kids to have after someone close to them has died.

• Children can sense adults’ emotions, and it is important to talk to children about the death and how the adults feel in an age-appropriate way that models that it is ok to feel a range of emotions after a loved one’s death.

• Ask about the child’s loved one, especially around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and special events where the child may or may not realize that they are missing someone they would expect to be there.

• Use the name of the person who died to show that it’s ok to talk about and remember them.

• Let children know that there are many different ways to grieve and that any way that doesn’t hurt them or others is okay.

• Ask children how they are feeling and what they need, they may have needs or ideas that hadn’t occurred to you.

• More than knowing what to say, it is important to know how to listen- listening without judgment or feeling like you need to offer a solution, making sure children know their voices are heard and respected can incredibly valuable.

Activities to do with kids who are grieving

• Routines are incredibly important to children’s sense of safety and well-being. Consider how to help children find a normal routine following a major change such as a death in the family.

• Let children participate in rituals of grief such as funerals or memorial services to the extent that they want to. This normalizes grief and shows them many people are missing the person who died. If they are not able to go to the funeral, allow them to create their own way of saying goodbye in another way such as lighting candles or planting a tree.

• If the child would like to, help them to create a memory box or decorate an area that the child can go to in order to think about and remember their loved one.

• Ask the child what activities they liked to do with their loved one and see if you can create new memories involving those types of activities.

• Let the child have a keepsake of the person who died such as a picture of them together, some clothing, or a piece of jewelry that they can use to remember by and comfort themselves.

• Art can allow children to express feelings that might be hard to talk about. Children may want to draw pictures of their loved one or write a letter to them.

Sources:

The Grief Assessment and Intervention Workbook: A Strengths Perspective by Elizabeth Pomeroy and Renee Garcia

The Dougy Center, How to Help a Grieving Child: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/how-to-help-a-grieving-child/

Practical Suggestions When Talking with Children about Death: http://www.griefspeaks.com/id5.html

Supporting a Grieving Person: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-grieving-person.htmhttp://childgrief.org/documents/WordsthatHelpandHurt.pdf

Helping Children Cope With Loss, Death, and Grief: Tips for Teachers and Parents http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf

Compassionate Friends: Suggestions for Teachers and School Counselors: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/suggestions_for_teachers_and_school_counselors.aspx

Shana Rubenstein is in her first year in the Masters of Social Work program at the University of Texas at Austin. She is grateful to be placed at The Christi Center for her internship and is looking forward to all she will be learning about supporting others to cope with and heal from grief.

As a former participant in a grief group for children, she is aware of the power of peer support and hopes to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who supports adolescents to gain resilience and positive coping skills through loss and life transitions.

Filed Under: art, bereavement, Blog, Loss of a Friend, loss of a loved one to suicide, loss of a parent, loss of a sibling, music therapy, sadness Tagged With: kids, kids and grief, kids and loss

Remembering My Two Best Friends: Judy and Marilyn

July 28, 2014 by Lara Leave a Comment

by Susan R.

Today, I am sitting in the sunlight making a pillow out of Marilyn’s dress. It feels peaceful, and right. I sew and remember her in it, and all the 40 odd years we were each other’s comrades. Somehow making something that connects me to her seems right. It does not seem right that she is gone. Will it ever?

Judy, Susan and Marilyn (l-r)

In moments of clarity, I can accept it, and be grateful I was blessed to have such a soul sister, I, who always longed for one, and only had a brother, who died too soon too. But, at other times my life seems so diminished without her. And Judy.

The Christi Center asked me to write about the loss of a friend, since there is less written about this particular loss. I will try. Everyone’s experience when a best friend dies is difficult, and in my case compounded with my ultimate loss, the loss of my beloved husband. Would I have grieved even more for them if I were not in the depths of grief for him?

Judy: monument of compassion and best friend for 40 years. What a woman of sterling character and wit. My husband was dying, two and a half months from dying, and I went to Marilyn’s house to visit and deliver her birthday presents. While there, my daughter called and said; “Momma…” The way she said it made me scared and she told me to give the phone to Marilyn. “Judy is dead, a heart attack, died instantly.” I literally tried to crawl under the couch, and then started clawing the couch and Marilyn’s legs. Sudden death is a whole other thing, no goodbyes, shocking to the core. And then, at the hospital with my husband, I experienced Grace. I felt Judy all around me, saying all would be well. She was helping me still, and enabling me to put that grief on hold, so I could be wholly there for my husband.

Judy’s quilt, walking on water

Marilyn’s quilt, representing 3 children, and fishing husband

About eleven months after my husband died, Marilyn was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. She had just retired. Not Marilyn: whimsical, creative, friend of decades, she spoke to my soul.

She beat all odds and lasted 27 months. So, there I was soldiering up again, after my husband’s eight year battle, and wanting to do whatever would make the unthinkable bearable, and to spend as much time with Marilyn as possible. In her last months, I would sit by her bed and we would talk, and remember and laugh. We would talk about the light on the leaves of the trees outside her window; something we both had always agreed was wonderful. Often we did not talk, as she got weaker, and I would feed her chocolate, and rub her feet. She said my hands were so warm. It was a holy time for me, and I hope it gave her a measure of comfort. I was with her and her wonderful family when she peacefully passed on.

And, so they are gone. Their passing has left my life so much smaller. I want to think how lucky I was to have had them, but the daily absence of their inimitable presences does not always allow such wisdom. Yet, at times, gratitude does come unexpectedly and unbidden to my heart. I am able to smile and rejoice in the lives we shared and the love that never dies.

About the Author

In the last 10 years, Susan lost her father, her only sibling, 2 best friends, 3 close friends, and her profoundest loss, her husband. She taught 2nd grade, worked in the UT library, had 4 children, and gardens, writes, and makes wall hangings. Those who attended The Christi Center’s Art Show in May saw examples of Susan’s art quilts, made to commemorate the lives of her loved ones.

Filed Under: bereavement, Blog, Loss of a Friend