kids

Grief and Sleep – It’s Not Just for Kids

January 24, 2017 by Cara Leave a Comment

Recently, our Kids Who Kare Coordinator Christi Neville, LPC shared this information with the caregivers of children who attend these groups. Since grief affects sleep for all of us, not just in children, we thought it would be helpful to share with you.

Recently at one of our groups, the kids were asked how they sleep at night, and not surprisingly, about 99% of the group expressed that since their loss, they have trouble sleeping….either getting to sleep, waking up frequently, or having nightmares. Many parents wonder, “Is this normal?” In grief, absolutely…sleep disturbance is one of the most common grief “symptoms”, and it’s important to understand the potentially adverse consequences on our health. Research has shown us that sleep deprivation impacts:

the immune system, resulting in high correlations with various health conditions
cognitive functioning, memory, and learning capacity, which all affect school performance
mood…insomnia and depression feed on each other. Sleep loss often aggravates the symptoms of depression; treating sleep problems can help depression symptoms, and vice versa.

You don’t need a clinician to tell you that simply put, poor sleep makes us feel worse, and when we’re already struggling with so many challenges of loss, it adds insult to injury. Though this list is not exhaustive, here are five things you can do as a caregiver to help your child get the restorative sleep they need:

1. Daily exercise

Make sure your child gets plenty of good exercise at some point in the afternoon, ideally outside….the natural light affects our seratonin levels. Minimize sugar and caffeine, especially after 3pm.

2. Create a consistent bedtime routine

By doing this, not only are you teaching them the importance of self-care, but the consistency factor in and of itself is important for bereaved children. Structure, routine, and consistent expectations help provide children with the sense of safety they need to mitigate grief’s common feelings of lack of control.

3. Go to bed with peaceful thoughts

The thoughts we fill our mind with before bed set the stage for our night. We’ve all heard the advice to never go to bed angry…in grief, it’s also helpful for children to never go to bed fearful. After loss, it’s common for children to fear something bad happening to them or to their surviving loved ones, and many children are afraid to go to sleep, whether this is consciously verbalized or not. Whatever nurturing communication you can establish with your child in the evening to invite them to share any worries, will be helpful. One idea that can be done at home is to create a “worry box”…before bedtime, have your child name and write down on a small piece of paper any worry they may have…together, release that burden by putting it in a small box, and consider taking the box to another room. It’s important to then help them replace that worry with something reassuring before bed, such as a prayer, affirmation, comforting words or images, or a favorite stuffed animal.

4. Create a sleep sanctuary

Refrain from tv/computer/screen time an hour before bed, minimize electronic lighting in the room, and in general, make their sleep environment comforting and inviting.

5. Invoke the Relaxation Response

Grief is perhaps one of the most enduring forms of stress on our bodies and minds, and especially after a traumatic life event, our cells continue holding that “fight or flight response”, which can have harmful effects. The good news is that this stress response can be reversed by relaxation, and I’d like to offer some ideas of mindful relaxation practices to try with your children:

” tummy toy breathing”: this is an exercise we practiced in group….lying flat on their back with eyes closed, have your child place a small toy on their tummy….in silence, practice breathing slowly and deeply for several minutes….have them feel their toy rising with each deep belly breath….you’ll be amazed at the results!
“the spaghetti technique”: another exercise learned in group….child consciously tenses up their body like an uncooked piece of spaghetti, holding in their muscles for ten seconds, then releases into relaxation like a cooked wet noodle….repeat process until they’re fully relaxed!
“pizza massage”: a fun and relaxing way to connect with your child….if they’re comfortable with you massaging their backs, pretend you’re making a pizza as a way to experience different massage strokes…”kneading the dough” can feel wonderful on their backs, then ask your child what toppings they want, playfully pretending to add toppings to the pizza, ending with a goodnight hug and kiss!
a good old-fashioned warm bath: there’s nothing to replace this longstanding remedy, and there are many great aromatherapy bubble bath products made for children these days than can enhance relaxation.

I hope these tips are helpful for your child, and I lovingly encourage you too, as caregivers, to modify and use these practices to take care of yourselves as well!

Filed Under: bereavement, Blog, death, depression, grieving, loss, loss of a parent, loss of a sibling, mourn, mourning, sadness, What To Do Tagged With: children, grief, healing, kids, kids and grief, Kids who Kare, KWK, Teens

Supporting Bereaved Children In Their Return to School

August 12, 2015 by Lara Leave a Comment

by Christi Neville, LPC

As the end of summer approaches, many families are turning their attention to a new school year. For children

who have experienced a loss over the summer, returning to school can be filled with anxiety. For children further along in their grief, it may not be quite so raw, but they are still navigating their way through permanent changes in their worlds. No matter when the loss occurred, we can all agree that school-life and home-life are inextricably intertwined, and children cannot simply compartmentalize or limit their experience of loss to home. Considering that our kids can spend up to seven or eight hours a day at school, it is truly a major cornerstone in their world, a place not only for textbook learning, but a place where they learn about life…a place where they share themselves, experience acceptance or rejection, support or isolation. Just as we do our best as caregivers to ensure they have solid support in their home-life, it’s beneficial to proactively plan for support in their school-life.

I consider there to be three essential needs in supporting a child’s return to school, and would like to share these practical tips:

1. Grief education : familiarize yourself with some of the potential ways grief can express itself in the school setting; below are some examples of the many ” faces” of grief:

2. Child’s sense of safety/security

We as caregivers can meet these needs of grieving children with predictable routines, and age-appropriate limit-setting. This helps bereaved children feel a sense of structure and safety; and when we have to follow through with consequences, it’s important to convey to a child that they are loved, despite any misbehavior.

A child’s sense of security is also tied into a sense of normalcy among their peers. Most kids naturally want to feel like they fit in. While it’s important for a loss to be acknowledged, and school staff to be aware, it’s important to give our children some choice in how much they want others to know about their loss. It can be helpful to have this discussion with them prior to talking to school staff, to honor their wishes as much as possible, and to help them find responses they feel comfortable with if others ask them questions.

3. Create a caring environment for your child

It is essential that a bereaved child be made aware of the type of support they can expect when they do return to school. I recommend setting up a meeting with the school counselor and teacher prior to school starting, to let them know of the child’s loss, to make them aware of how much or how little the child wants others to know, to express any concerns, and to coordinate any necessary accommodations or resources for the child. Let your child know that the school counselor is available for them should they feel overwhelmed by their grief or have any problems at school. And lastly, be available to the child as much as possible to listen, and to love, during this time of transition back to school.

Wishing your family a smooth and supportive school year!

Christi Neville, L.P.C.

About the Author

Christi Neville, LPC is The Christi Center’s Kids Who Kare and Peer Support Coordinator:

“My interest in grief and loss began in 1997, when a tragic accident claimed the love of my life, and catapulted me into a humbling journey of healing. An intern counselor at the time, I was astounded to realized our culture’s lack of understanding of grief, and as I committed myself to my own personal growth, my thirst for knowledge led me into professional realms as well. After graduating with my Master’s in Counseling from The University of Denver in 1999, I began a holistic private practice in Colorado devoted exclusively to grief, and from that foundation, have led support groups for children, for surviving family members at Mothers Against Drunk Driving, and have run several hospice bereavement programs. After relocating back to my native Texas, I was lucky enough to find The Christi Center, and am excited to contribute my blend of personal and professional experience as I support the resiliency of the human spirit in the face of loss. Outside of work, I enjoy music, meditation, and spending time outside with my super-duper son, who reminds me daily to stay present to the magic and wonder of life.”

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: back to school, children's grief, grief in school, kids, Kids who Kare

Sleep and Grief

July 8, 2015 by Lara Leave a Comment

by Christi Neville, LPC

At a recent Kids Who Kare group, when we were discussing a relaxation activity, the kids were asked how they sleep at night, and not surprisingly, about 99% of the group expressed that since their loss, they have trouble sleeping….either getting to sleep, waking up frequently, or having nightmares. Many parents wonder, is this normal?

In grief, absolutely….though sleep disturbance is one of the most common grief “symptoms”, it’s important to understand the potentially adverse consequences on our health. Research has shown us that sleep deprivation impacts: the immune system, resulting in high correlations with various health conditions cognitive functioning, memory, and learning capacity, which all affect school performance mood…..insomnia and depression feed on each other. Sleep loss often aggravates the symptoms of depression; treating sleep problems can help depression symptoms, and vice versa. You don’t need a clinician to tell you that simply put, sleep loss makes us feel worse, and when we’re already struggling with so many challenges of loss, it adds insult to injury.

Though this list is not exhaustive, here are five things you can do as a caregiver to help your child get the restorative sleep they need:

1. Daily exercise Make sure your child gets plenty of good exercise at some point in the afternoon, ideally outside….the natural light affects our seratonin levels. Minimize sugar and caffeine, especially after 3pm.

2. Create a consistent bedtime routine By doing this, not only are you teaching them the importance of self-care, but the consistency factor in and of itself is important for bereaved children. Structure, routine, and consistent expectations help provide children with the sense of safety they need to mitigate grief’s common feelings of lack of control.

3. Go to bed with peaceful thoughts The thoughts we fill our mind with before bed set the stage for our night. We’ve probably all heard the advice to never go to bed angry…..in grief, it’s also helpful for children to never go to bed fearful. After loss, it’s common for children to fear something bad happening to them or to their surviving loved ones, and many children are afraid to go to sleep, whether this is consciously verbalized or not. Whatever nurturing communication you can establish with your child in the evening to invite them to share any worries, will be helpful. One idea that we will be doing in group and that can also be done at home is to create a “worry box”…..before bedtime, have your child name and write down on a small piece of paper any worry they may have…together, release that burden by putting it in a small box, and consider taking the box to another room. It’s important to then help them replace that worry with something reassuring before bed, be it a prayer, affirmation, comforting words or images, or a favorite stuffed animal.

4. Create a sleep sanctuary Refrain from tv/computer/screen time an hour before bed, minimize electronic lighting in the room, and in general, make their sleep environment comforting and inviting.

5. Invoke the Relaxation Response Grief is perhaps one of the most enduring forms of stress on our bodies and minds, and especially after a traumatic life event, our cells continue holding that “fight or flight response”, which can have harmful effects. The good news is that this stress response can be reversed by relaxation, and I’d like to offer a variety of ideas to try with your children:

“tummy toy breathing”: this is an exercise we practiced in group….lying flat on their back with eyes closed, have your child place a small toy on their tummy….in silence, practice breathing slowly and deeply for several minutes….have them feel their toy rising with each deep belly breath….you’ll be amazed at the results!

“the spaghetti technique”: another exercise learned in group….child consciously tenses up their body like an uncooked piece of spaghetti, holding in their muscles for ten seconds, then releases into relaxation like a cooked wet noodle….repeat process until they’re fully relaxed!

“pizza massage”: a fun and relaxing way to connect with your child….if they’re confortable with you messaging their backs, pretend you’re making a pizza as a way to experience different massage strokes…”kneading the dough” can feel wonderful on their backs, then ask your child what toppings they want, playfully pretending to add topping to the pizza, ending with a goodnight hug and kiss!

a good old-fashioned warm bath: there’s nothing to replace this longstanding remedy, and there are many great aromatherapy bubble bath products made for children these days that can enhance relaxation.

I hope these tips are helpful for your child, and I lovingly encourage you too, as caregivers, to modify and use these practices to take care of yourselves as well!

About the Author

Christi Neville, LPC is The Christi Center’s Kids Who Kare and Peer Support Coordinator:

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: children, grief techniques, kids, Kids who Kare, parenting a grieving child, relaxation, resiliency, self-care

Kids and Grief

November 20, 2014 by Lara 2 Comments

by Shana Rubenstein

Ways to think about kids and grief

• While it is rarely something our society likes to admit, children do experience grief and need their families, friends, and communities to recognize and understand what they are going through.

• Children under five years old may not understand the finality of death. They will likely need ongoing explanations to help them understand that their loved one is not coming back. Clear, honest, and patient explanations, as difficult as it may be, are important for this age group.

• Children of many ages may mistakenly believe that they somehow caused the death of their loved one, by their behavior or through magical thinking. They need reassurances that this is not the case.

• Many children don’t appear to be grieving because their grief looks different from adults’. Some common grief reactions in children include

Acting as if nothing has happened

Becoming clingy

Regressing to earlier behaviors (i.e. bedwetting, thumb-sucking)

Hyperactivity, aggression, disruptive behavior

Withdrawn or sad behavior

Difficulty sleeping

Fear of other important people in their life dying or questions or fears about their own death

Self-consciousness and not wanting to appear different from other kids

• It is normal for children to use play to understand and cope with death.

• Children often grieve in small bits, sometimes thought of as “grief-spurts.” A child may be crying one moment and laughing the next, and needs to process grief at their own pace.

• Grief may come back up for children throughout their lives as they experience new events and stages without their loved one.

Ideas of what to say (and not say)

• Help children feel like they can ask questions and when they do, respond as honestly and clearly as possible.

• Use concrete terms such as “died” since words like “We lost my husband” or “Her father passed away” can be confusing to young children.

• Let children know that all kinds of emotions, while difficult and sometimes scary, are normal for kids to have after someone close to them has died.

• Children can sense adults’ emotions, and it is important to talk to children about the death and how the adults feel in an age-appropriate way that models that it is ok to feel a range of emotions after a loved one’s death.

• Ask about the child’s loved one, especially around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and special events where the child may or may not realize that they are missing someone they would expect to be there.

• Use the name of the person who died to show that it’s ok to talk about and remember them.

• Let children know that there are many different ways to grieve and that any way that doesn’t hurt them or others is okay.

• Ask children how they are feeling and what they need, they may have needs or ideas that hadn’t occurred to you.

• More than knowing what to say, it is important to know how to listen- listening without judgment or feeling like you need to offer a solution, making sure children know their voices are heard and respected can incredibly valuable.

Activities to do with kids who are grieving

• Routines are incredibly important to children’s sense of safety and well-being. Consider how to help children find a normal routine following a major change such as a death in the family.

• Let children participate in rituals of grief such as funerals or memorial services to the extent that they want to. This normalizes grief and shows them many people are missing the person who died. If they are not able to go to the funeral, allow them to create their own way of saying goodbye in another way such as lighting candles or planting a tree.

• If the child would like to, help them to create a memory box or decorate an area that the child can go to in order to think about and remember their loved one.

• Ask the child what activities they liked to do with their loved one and see if you can create new memories involving those types of activities.

• Let the child have a keepsake of the person who died such as a picture of them together, some clothing, or a piece of jewelry that they can use to remember by and comfort themselves.

• Art can allow children to express feelings that might be hard to talk about. Children may want to draw pictures of their loved one or write a letter to them.

Sources:

The Grief Assessment and Intervention Workbook: A Strengths Perspective by Elizabeth Pomeroy and Renee Garcia

The Dougy Center, How to Help a Grieving Child: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/how-to-help-a-grieving-child/

Practical Suggestions When Talking with Children about Death: http://www.griefspeaks.com/id5.html

Supporting a Grieving Person: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-grieving-person.htmhttp://childgrief.org/documents/WordsthatHelpandHurt.pdf

Helping Children Cope With Loss, Death, and Grief: Tips for Teachers and Parents http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf

Compassionate Friends: Suggestions for Teachers and School Counselors: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/suggestions_for_teachers_and_school_counselors.aspx

Shana Rubenstein is in her first year in the Masters of Social Work program at the University of Texas at Austin. She is grateful to be placed at The Christi Center for her internship and is looking forward to all she will be learning about supporting others to cope with and heal from grief.

As a former participant in a grief group for children, she is aware of the power of peer support and hopes to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who supports adolescents to gain resilience and positive coping skills through loss and life transitions.

Filed Under: art, bereavement, Blog, Loss of a Friend, loss of a loved one to suicide, loss of a parent, loss of a sibling, music therapy, sadness Tagged With: kids, kids and grief, kids and loss

For Good

March 25, 2014 by Lara Leave a Comment

by The Christi Center’s Program Director, Erin Spalding

Last month I was able to do a presentation on grief and working with grieving children to the Delta Kappa Gamma Society International, a professional organization of female educators in Texas. It was a fantastic opportunity to meet with women who have a passion for education and who recognize that grief can get in the way of the educational cycle – the teachers’ ability to teach, parents’ ability to parent and kids’ ability to learn.

This year their theme was the Wizard of Oz and my presentation was titled Am I a Good Witch or a Bad Witch? Now, some may wonder where this title came from. Well, when you are grieving….do you really know who you are? Who do other people think you are? What about the kids in the classroom? How many of them have been labeled disruptive, inattentive, or even aggressive –when really the symptoms they were showing were tied to the grief that they were not able to fully express at home. This is particularly true if the parents at home are grieving too. I thought the title was all too fitting.

Another piece of the presentation that fit extremely well with The Christi Center was a musical introduction. Now, I have seen the play Wicked and my friend has played the soundtrack for me at length, but I never connected how fitting this song was for us in the past. The song “For Good” is talking about the possible end to the turbulent friendship of the two main characters, Glinda and Elphaba. However, the lyrics clearly speak to the end of other relationships – both good and bad. The people in our lives, whether with us for a moment or a lifetime change us. I will be forever grateful for parents even if they were not with me in this life for very long. I also hope that I can always remember to be grateful for those in my life now. I appreciate what they bring to me today.

“For Good” Lyrics

I’m limited
Just look at me – I’m limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn’t do, Glinda
So now it’s up to you
For both of us – now it’s up to you…

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from it’s mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I’ve done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from it’s mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you…

Because I knew you…

Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good…

Filed Under: art, Blog, death, depression, grieving, loss, mourn, music therapy, Uncategorized Tagged With: children, kids, music, school, teacher, Wicked, witch