Grieving Kalah 6/6/23
Mikalah, This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt. It never goes away. My child died, and this is the hand I was dealt. It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk. It is a journey through the darkest times of my life. Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my Daughter. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily and I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing. But please, just sit beside me. Say nothing. Just be here or me. don’t turn away from me. be gentle with me. And I will try to be gentle with myself. I will never “get over” my child’s death. Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn’t standing loudly in the or round, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface. Sometimes I feel as is I will explode from the grief. Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. No one can tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong. I’m doing it my way, in my time. I have to do things at my own pace. My understanding of life has changed, and now I feel so lost. I feel as though I’m not me… like I’m a stranger standing outside of my body watching everything that’s happening to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. What I knew to be true, absolute, real or fair about the world has been challenged so I’m finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Thins that once seemed important to me are barely a thought. I notice life’s suffering more. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, l’ve learned, which are simply unanswerable. So I hate when people say “God does everythin for a reason ” This one right here is between me and my God. Those words are easy comin from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers ,fathers, grandparents , siblings and partners won’t wake up one day with everything ‘okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now. As time passes,I might get blessings, financial gains, material possessions, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost. Maybe one day, when l’m very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of my child’s absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder. And although I have living children, my heart still aches or the one who is not here. I’ll never be quite complete without my child. My child may have died but my love and my motherhood never will. “I love you kayheadd and I’ll always mourn you until I join you
– MOM
